He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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