I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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