I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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