I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
