do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
