I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
