seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
