I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
