dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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