Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I think I am morally bankrupt
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Dicks are not precious.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
