You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
He did a backflip because drugs
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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