1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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