Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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