it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
