Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
