when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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