this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'm experimenting with sincerity
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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