when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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