first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
