Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
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