Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
