Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
