Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize