those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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