Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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