i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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