If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
