somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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