I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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