how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
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