Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
