I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
This is my gift to your gina
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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