I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
