I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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