During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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