Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
