I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
