The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Randomize
