My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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