I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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