end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
