dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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