We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
