nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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