In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
