my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
