No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
