she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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