This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
