Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I think my vagina is haunted
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
