I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Randomize
