I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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