dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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