Apparently you make a good broom.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
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