Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
