Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
