so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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