I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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