I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize