I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize