I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
